Sometimes...'Sex' makes you stupid....

Reader: "WAH?!"

Did I catch your attention?

It was Sex weekend at the theatre...no we didn't change formats...we're talking Sex and the City. Quickly...it brought on the grandest of stupidity in the history of theatreness (I'm making up words).

Lady calls early in the afternoon on the Thursday before the movie opens and says that she can't figure out how to use Fandango (go to Fandango.com, click the theatre, click the showtime, enter your CC, print.) and asks if she can buy her tix over the phone and have us hold the tix until she comes. We don't do that, but we do it anyway. Now for stupidity... She calls back when I get to work and says...

"Hi, I bought four tickets over the phone and I didn't know you were in Daly City."
"We're not in Daly City, we're in San Francisco."
"But I google mapped your location and it says you're off of 280"
(Er...if you google mapped it would say San Francisco...)
"Well where are you coming from?"
"Martinez" (East Bay, probably about 30-45 minutes from SF).
"Well, yes, you come over the Bay Bridge, and when it splits you take 280, take the Monterey Exit"
"Oh, see, I didn't want to come that far, I was wondering if I could get a refund."
"Uhm, Okay, where did you want to go?"
"Emeryville." (This makes sense, that's only 20 minutes away...)
"Uhm Hold on" (I go into a violent, silent shaking, making my coworkers look at me funny.)

I do the refund and get rid of her...If you wanted Emeryville (510) and you call a 415 number...you're going to get a theatre in San Francisco.

Augh...Ultimate stupidity.

Road Dumbness...

Does anyone ever read this thing? Who cares?! Saw it as a feed on someones website...weird. Yes, I was Googling myself. I did it once, and I'd do it again!!!

Anyway, new job. "Traffic Producer". Which means looking at good ol' 511's traffic flow chart and the CHP media info and putting it into a database for on air reporters to read. Exciting, I know.

In two weeks, totalling 54 hours of traffic staring...there have been a multitude of animals on the road including, but not limited to...a racoon, a skunk, a dog, a three legged dog, a pitbull hit by two cars and still running around, more dogs, too many "mama duck and ducklings" to count, deer, cows (4 times no less), and one turkey.

Any way, with new job, comes new dumbness...my favorite dumbness..Road Dumbness.

This guy drops his mattress (a common occurance) on the left lane of a busy highway. He pulls over to the shoulder and the report comes in that he's trying to retrieve his mattress...yes, as if he's quick enough to dodge cars going 65mph+ to go 4 lanes, pick up his mattress and get back to his car without getting hit...

At least, if he gets hit, he'll have a nice cushion to land on...

Christmas Observations...

1. Holiday season, in my book, officially starts November 1.

2. Only one holiday should be advertised at a time, and should not be advertised prior to an upcoming holiday.

3. Why are candy canes being sold during Halloween candy shopping? That's nasty.

4. KOIT (96.5 FM): I am fine with you playing Christmas music 24 hours a day. I am fine with you being the "Bay Area's Christmas Station." Start the day after Thanksgiving...not a week before! Sleigh bells should not ring on my turkey!

5. Your Christmas lights...are... for Christmas, that means that they need to be taken down. Due date: January 2nd.

6. If you have your lights still hanging up from last Christmas (or 10 years prior) and just plug them in in Dec...then that isn't the point!

7. Why does Santa smell?

8. Am I the only one who thinks that the song "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" is a horrible Christmas song? You're going to traumetize the poor kid seeing Mommy cheating on Daddy like that. Geez.

9. Where can I buy a partridge in a pear tree? (or twelve for that matter)

10. How many Chistmas' is it going to take before Mariah Carey just gives up? (anyone get this reference???)

Homework: Interactive Fiction

Here is my story. No real plan or inspiration. Just sat down and started writing, and things started to...flow.

Ten Dumb Things About Drivers

Okay, so I attacked Public Transportation Riders and Pedestrians, so in order to be an equal-opportunity ridiculer of dumb people, I present the Ten Dumb Things About Drivers (And yes, there are a ton more, but for fear of my blood pressure being high, so, for my health's sake...)

1. You see that little lever type thing, with the arrows, it's called a turn signal. It's not just for show. Just the other day I was driving on Portola, a two lane road each way. This car ahead of me was moving 15 miles below the speed limit moved out because the lane we were traveling was rough. At the end of the rough stretch, I attempted to pass him and he slowly drifted back ahead of me. No warning, nothing. AUGH!

2. When getting out of your car...you, too, need to be watching for traffic. My car traveling at 30mph will take your door clean off.

3. Is it that hard to pull all the way over to the right to make your right turn? Points off your test!

4. Tailgating a car on a two lane highway (one in each direction) when there are a bunch of cars ahead of that one, will do you no good.

5. High beams are for when you can't see, not for everyday use. Blinding the car in front of you isn't a good idea.

6. Honking someone at an intersection isn't the smartest idea. Look ahead...there's someone crossing the street. If you're that in a rush, you may go around me and run into them. I call witness!

7. Read street signs. I was walking at 19th and Taraval once and this guy was trying to make a left turn. There's a street sign that says you can't do that between 7am - 9am and 4pm - 6pm. The guy in the car behind him, rolls down the window and yells! YOU CAN'T TURN. CAN'T YOU READ?! Time: 2:00pm. CAN'T YOU READ???

8. If your tires are still moving...it's not a stop.

9. In a traffic jam, stay where you are! How come you have to cut out then go all the way to the front and try to cut back in? Nobody else is doing that. Wait your turn.

10. If you wait till you get to the end of the merge, it will go smooth. One car from the left, one car from the right. Trying to merge before the actual merge is what causes traffic jams.

I found this from Carlos Mencia a while back..."Seat belt laws...why do we even have seat belt laws? if you're not smart enough to realize that a seat belt saves you then you should die...you should just...die."


More driving nightmares here.

Ten Dumb Things About Pedestrians...

1. If walking in a group, you don't need to form a human chain and crawl down the sidewalk. You don't own the sidewalk.

2. Slower traffic move to the right...enough said.

3. Don't stop all of a sudden to tie your shoelace, pick up a penny, etc. This is especially important when walking in the crowd. This causes a major pileup and possibly a chain reaction crash.

4. Don't let your kids run loose. They don't walk in a straight line, and they don't watch where they're going. I wonder who wins in a collision between my knee and your kid...

5. If you need to make a U-turn, don't stop on a dime and turn around, that's called a head-on collision.

6. If you need to have a conversation...the middle of the sidewalk is NOT the place to do it.

7. Green means GO. Red means STOP. If a car is coming, don't cross against the red light. You will lose that battle.

8. Standing out in the middle of the street looking for a bus means you are blocking traffic. Stay on the sidewalk. When the bus comes you will see it. Seeing the bus 5 blocks away won't help you much, it'll still be the same result.

9. I beg you, please, please, please hurry it up when crossing a busy intersection. If there are a line of cars waiting to turn, but can't, because you're crawling across the street, be courteous. You have the right of way, but be courteous at least.

10. Be aware of your surroundings. Don't do anything that will cause a human pileup, cause people to dodge you, or cause people to generally wonder why they let you out of the mental hospital.



Solution: People equipped with turn signals.

On a more personal blogging note...I'm in a Carnival! yay! Look it up here. Unfortunately it's the last edition. :(

Ten Things That Dumb People Do On Public Transportation

Just a few things I noticed on the SF Muni (may be applicable elsewhere).

1. That thing that opens up, and people move in and out? That's a door. Don't stand there unless the car you're on is a sardine can..and you complain that people are pushing you...

2. In the aforementioned "Sardine Can" situation, and you are near the door, it is OK to leave the car and let people out. Don't worry, you can get back in.

3. Your backpack/bags double your width. Take those things off and put them by your feet. Smacking people with your backpack is not good...And don't complain that someone is pushing you, you're smacking me in the head with your big ol' bag, it's your fault.

4. It is crowded on the bus, take only ONE seat. Don't put your crap on the other seat. Don't put your feet up. Don't lie down.

5. Cell phone etiquette. Quiet voices, please. I don't want to know about what you did with your boyfriend/girlfriend last night. I don't want to know about how bad your job is, or how hot your coworker is. Also, I don't want to hear you break up with your significant other or have an argument with them. Neither do the rest of the passengers. This means...no yelling, no swearing...and PLEASE, if you hang up on them in anger...don't call them back!

6. Let people out. Are you really in THAT big of a rush? Did you know that if you let everyone out, it's easier to get in?

7. Stop Request in the underground. You don't have to pull that string in the underground, it'll stop by itself...

8. Don't say you were "going to pay". NO you weren't. Take your ticket. Shut up.

9. It is OK to move to the back of the bus. Nobody is going to kill you back there.

10. Don't sing on the bus either, or start treating your seat as a drum. You're not that good. Also, if I can hear your music blasting out of your earphones...why is it up so loud?!!! ARE YOU DEAF...(or, at least, you will be...).



* Also, no explicit public displays of affection. That's just nasty. Get a room, not a bus.


I don't intend to change anyone's behavior with my post...just point out the stupid stuff.